Backwards: Condition, shampoo, repeat

Sometimes wearing (or not wearing) glasses can be a burden. It’s not so much the inability to ‘see’ things with your own eyes, but more so ‘what’ you do see with them.

My eyesight? Crap. I can see relatively clearly about 10cm in front of my nose and the rest is a blur; has been that way since as long as eye (excuse the pun) can remember.

I was fourteen when I became aware that I needed glasses. I was sitting in the science lab (like where you sit is like halfway across the room from the white/black board) and everyone was writing ‘stuff’ down, and I just sat there. I had no clue what everyone was writing, so I just started copying my friend next to me.

My friend soon realised that I couldn’t actually ‘see’ what the teacher was writing on the board; it was like he was ‘pretending’ to write stuff and making the students learn or something…well to me anyway. Not long after, did I actually realise I had to do something about my eyesight. I started getting extreme headaches, almost to the point of throwing up and being unable to concentrate on things I would normally have no issue with doing.

I didn’t know that what I ‘saw’ was different to everyone else. Looking back, I used to think that (when sitting in the school hall with the rest of the school) not seeing the detail on the teachers face when they were talking was…normal. Surely people couldn’t have that clear eyesight, could they? How could I have been more wrong…

Our school was split into four ‘houses’ each with their own colour; Lassig ‘Sharks’ (Blue), Tallon ‘Tigers’ (Green), Miles ‘Mustangs’ (Red) and finally my house, Hazzard ‘Hawks’ (Gold/Yellow). We each had a designated corner of the hall, in which Hazzard sat in the back left hand corner…basically as far away as you can sit from the front stage.

I would always know who was talking and could match up their voice with the way they moved and their position on the stage; again I thought seeing like this was ‘normal’ obviously it wasn’t.

After the headaches progressively got worse, my mother took me to the Optometrist for an eye test and diagnosis? Blind a a bat (although back then I could see about a meter in front of my nose clearly).

When my first pair of glasses arrived and I put them on, I remember that day so clearly (seriously no pun intended) like it was yesterday; in fact this was fourteen years ago…wow that is a long time now I think about it. Do you want to know what I saw? Everything…yep…every little thing.

Things I never knew where there were now staring at me clear in the face for the very first time. It was like everything was in 3D; like a filter had been changed or a light had been switched on for the first time. I instantly felt better; like more of a whole.

Aside from getting used to ‘seeing’ properly for the first time in my life (you know the headaches, sore eyes, sometimes ringing in the ears?) I felt amazing. I could read signs, see small font in the distance, see birds on power lines, and some things I actually found out had been there all along and I just never noticed them, because to my naked eye they never existed…until now (well then if you look at it that way).

My Optometrist had this like this…ritual (I suppose that’s what you’d call it) when you get your new glasses/prescription (and he still does this after all these years) he would make you stand in a specific spot by the front door of the shop and made you look down the street, towards the buildings in the distance. It allows you to adjust to the new strength without actually walking around and making yourself sick or fall over. And I remember the first time he did this, you know when everything was in 3D?

He stood me by one of the stands holding numerous amounts of different frames (in all colours, shapes, sizes and designs), basically pointing to the exact carpet or tile spot to stand on and directed me to look out onto the street. I felt a rush of feelings; a rush of pure emotion really. Like all my Christmases had come at once. Look I know that sounds stupid, but I am sure if you do wear (or have ever worn) glasses for the first time (like when you ‘actually’ require them) you know exactly what I am talking about.

Most people take the ability to ‘see’ for granted, because they don’t know what its like to not see, well ‘see’ through your own eyes, unassisted. I know this feeling oh too well, the not being able to see part, not the taking for granted part. I have always said if I had the choice of superpower I would most definitely choose the ability to see again, like properly; unassisted pure sight. I can’t speak for people who are actually blind and cannot see anything at all (and I feel for them, I really do…well as much as I can, as I am one of the ‘lucky’ ones who can ‘see’ at the very least something), but seeing is truly believing and being able to live your life to the fullest.

So what does all this have to do with Shampoo and Conditioner (well Conditioner then Shampoo in this case) you ask? Everything and nothing; depends how you look at it.

I have probably done this a million times but only recently this has stuck out in my mind (twice). The first time was towards the end of last year I think, and the second was about an hour ago; this morning. What am I talking about? Conditioner.

When you literally cannot see anything (like details of ‘things’) without your glasses on (like when trying to wash your hair) picking up the wrong bottle can make a massive difference. So this morning (possibly like many times before) I picked up the wrong bottle and started to condition my hair instead of shampoo.

You know how they has wash, rinse repeat? As in shampoo, condition, shampoo? Well today I did things backwards; condition, shampoo, condition. It really does make a difference and probably not a bad one. Like I said the first time I realised I had done it, I thought maybe I should do this more often; wash my hair backwards that is.

My shampoo and conditioner bottles are the same colour and size, but one opens from the top (shampoo) and the other (conditioner) opens from the bottom. Most times I would pick up on which is which, but my fiance has been stealing my shampoo again and switched the bottles around. I know he didn’t do this on purpose, but there is an underlying reason why everything has its place in our house and in my life…the fact I cannot see.

Mise en place (pronounced ‘miz on plus’ for those new to the concept) as the French call it, “everything in its place”. Its usually used in the concept of cooking, but it has its place (again with the unintentional puns…I am truly sorry about that!) in the concept of eyesight (or lack there of). I keep try to keep everything in a certain place or in a certain way. It’s not just an OCD thing, its a legitimate process as well.

For example in the shower, my bathing products are lined up two by two on the ledge, in a certain order (from right to left from the shower wall); conditioner at the back and shampoo in front, face scrub at the back and cleanser in the front, body scrub at the back and body wash in front, then my finance’s ‘2 in 1’ shampoo and conditioner at the back and men’s body wash in front.

The reason? So I can shower in control, by knowing which bottle is the bloody shampoo and which bottle is the bloody conditioner of course! Seriously, those who do not wear glasses do not  know the daily struggles of those who do. Although I would rather wear glasses now than contacts (not that I can’t stick my finger in my eye…I have no problem with that!) I get annoyed a lot at my inability to see like everyone else does and just the way I look without glasses. Mostly because my eyes look sunken without them, having worn glasses for fourteen years and also because they kind of suit me after all these years.

The struggle is real people! Like when people say “your glasses should have windscreen wipers attached”…no joke it would be a freaking brilliant idea!

I suppose if you look at this post one-dimensionally, I guess all you’ll ‘see’ is glasses, not being able to see and washing your hair backwards is probably good for your hair (seriously I read that somewhere when I realised I had washed my hair backwards the first time), but really I guess the moral of this post is what you make of it.

Some may see it as clarification, others entertainment, me? I see it as soothing; and maybe perhaps a little justification in why I do the things I do and feel the way I feel. However you take it, I hope you enjoyed my positive (?) rant and perhaps you should actually try washing your hair backwards and tell me what you think, yeah?

Stay Awesome 😉

The Girl in the Green Shoes

Escape

Escape…sometimes you need it; sometimes you don’t. Today is a day where it is desperately needed, required even.

It’s wet; raining. Muggy. Miserable.

For some reason wet weather brings out the crazies…whether actual “crazy” people or just crazy circumstances. Whatever the reason both are out in full force today.

It took me ages to get to work because everyone was doing 20km under the speed limit. Then work is crazy. Always so much do but it’s one of those days when one thing goes wrong and then you keep getting constantly hammered and the proverbial “shit” hits the fan and coats everything in its wake. And I’m tired, lack of sleep is starting to take its toll.

So escape you ask? What I need.

Sitting here in the quiet coffee shop next door with a hot chocolate (on soy) with two chocolate chip biscuits; planning an escape that won’t happen. After my lunch break there is one and a half days to go until the weekend is mine.

I don’t mind if the wet weather sticks around in my time (the weekend)…I can escape the “crazies” by not leaving my house…generally speaking. You can curl up at home, watch a movie, read a book, write something, all while listening to the rain catch on the roof and the windows. It’s a beautiful sound, one I love; always have. Must be a farmer’s daughter thing, I guess.

I remember as a kid (and still do) smelling the rain before it came. Closing my eyes and breathing deep, the scent filling inside me, providing an instant calm. I suppose that’s what I’m doing in my lunch break…escaping without really going anywhere. Listening to the rain is escape enough…well for the moment anyway.

As much as I would love to pack a bag and escape (even for a little while), this is all I can spare. Half an hour away from it all, sipping a hot chocolate and listening to the soothing sound the cars make as they pass by on the wet road.

Sometimes you don’t have to go all out to provide yourself with a little “escape”; sometimes you just have to leave your normal and do something different, even it’s only for a minute.

Stay awesome 😉

The Girl in the Green Shoes

Snippets from a Weekend Retreat

The people are nice here. Not that they aren’t nice where I’m from…just different…a different kinda nice than I’m used to. And to me that’s…well nice.
The view is amazing. Ocean views through the harbour. Boardwalks, cafes and restaurants right within arms reach. I like it here. Need to do this more often. Not all the time, then it would become ordinary, but just enough to get excited when I do and miss it when I don’t.

I do miss the company but that’s not the point is it. The point is all about me…for once. It may seem selfish to others but I have never put myself first, like ever. I’m trying something different, to gain my happiness back. You know that thing that has been lacking in my life for years and to be honest it’s hard to remember the last time I was happy. But I’m trying to get that back or the idea of it anyway.

I will never be happy like I was; too much has changed and the years have passed. I’m chasing the feeling more than anything, perhaps the idea of it; of being happy.

Overlooking the harbour is a beautiful site; picturesque even. Many different boats, yachts and catamarans. All different colours (mainly white), shapes and sizes. Same as people I guess. I mean like different shapes, sizes, colours, attitudes and personalities even.

As much as this is a getaway from the struggles of adult life, I’m glad I don’t know anyone here. It’s a place of peace and serenity. No one knows your business and frankly no one cares. The ingredients to making the getaway worth it; reaping all of the benefits and rewards without the price of judgement from your fellow man (people who know you really)

Sitting here eating my French toast, it’s delicious by the way. Flavours of cinnamon and maple syrup and bacon…yep bacon. Oh how I love bacon but that’s a story for another day. I overheard a lady on my right across the cafe describing how nineteen year olds should be, “wow your nineteen? Shouldn’t you be out like partying like all of the other nineteen year olds?” It made me laugh thinking back to when I was nineteen, almost a decade ago. I was like that. Not partying it up and all that. I was different, heck I am different. Sometimes I feel like I’ve missed out on a lot because I’m stubborn but oh well got me here didn’t it??

_________________

I like those lights. The ones that hang from the ceiling; all industrial-like. Black wire casing with a single bulb. Some of these have different size and shape bulbs. It’s daytime now so I cannot see the ultimate beauty of them but I can imagine. I might have to return to find out.

_________

This retreat I’m on is so…refreshing, relieving. I had my doubts about going away this weekend…alone, but I am glad I took the plunge and did it…for me. 

After breakfast I did almost 10,000 steps along the foreshore of this beautiful seaside town. Walked all the way down to the pier and back and it’s a long pier…like nearly 900m long. I knew I was going to have blisters as I wore my yellow chucks (not exactly walking material but it was worth it). And yes I have a big blister on each little toe and under under my toes on the bottom of my feet, but like I said totally worth it; I got my vitamin D (which is severely lacking), I stretched my legs, cleared my lungs and cleared my head. Even now I feel like a new person.

Since I got back from my walk, I was gone for like an hour and a half, I have been writing. Yep writing. One of the main reasons to get away in the first place. I feel better when I write, feel like I’m working towards something; the benefit being solely my own.

I have had some personal things going on lately and I needed to get away, so here I am. Relaxing, writing and sitting on my private balcony overlooking the harbour eating room service…delicious pasta and a pineapple mint frappe…mmm. Did I tell you I have an obsession for all things pineapple? No? Well I’ll leave that for another day. If it’s one thing I can talk about it’s my love of pineapples…oh and bacon…yes…everything is better with bacon but you already know that don’t you?

Well I’m going to finish my delicious lunch and get back to my latest fanfiction chapter 🙂

Stay awesome 😉

The Girl in the Green Shoes

Catharsis

Catharsis ~ “The process of releasing, and thereby providing relief from, strong or repressed emotions”

Catharsis is what I want. Catharsis is what I need. Will writing this post give me that relief? Probably not. Will it help at all? Yeah, I guess so, but that’s not the point is it?

Has someone ever asked you one question that has changed your entire outlook on life?

Ever thought that one question could change your life?

Ever thought, that one question could make you question everything about your life and who you are?

Well one seemingly insignificant question, has perhaps changed my perspective on everything I thought I knew about myself…and to be honest it scares the shit outta me.

Life knows how to throw a curve ball, I know that…but what I didn’t know is that life can really fuck you over with one simple question. On one hand, I wish I was never asked said question, in fact my life would not have been railroaded if the person who asked the question never even asked it in the first place. But that is life for you, one detour after another and I get that. On the other hand, I understand why said question was asked, and why this question needs to be answered, because it has mentality to make or break me.

I get that life isn’t fair. I get that life is hard work. I get that life is…well life. But what I don’t get is why this question has uprooted me in a way that I may never recover from, not entirely anyway. I mean I’m not dying (well not yet anyway and I mean everyone will at some point), but the result is “life” threatening. Its threatening to my life…you know the one I thought I had a handle on; the one I had control (well mostly) of.

I just want to see reason in a sea of doubt. I want to find what I lost. I want to be strong again, but I don’t know how. This stupid insignificant question is perhaps the most important one of my life up until this point. The way forward is in my hands, but I have no clue what I should do or where I should go, you know why? Because this question, made me doubt who I am and to me that is devastating.

Life is hard enough without having to start again, but imagine if in a matter of weeks or days even, that your world was turned upside down. Imagine if everything you knew about yourself was…gone…*poof*

Imagine if all of your morals, beliefs and core values were shattered?

What if.

Would you cope? Could you handle the pressure?

To be honest, I am not sure if I can, but I am going to try because I will not let it be the death of be or be the bane of my existence . The challenge is now trying to find who I am again, because that person does not exist since this question was asked, pondered and an attempt was made to answer said question.

Trying to find myself again will come at a cost no doubt, but I am determined to sort this shit out…I mean I have to. I just can’t help but feel the pressure. Its like I have to explain myself to…well myself. Like I have to start again, relearn everything that was once me; what was once my sole existence.

Like I said I cannot deny that it will not be a road full of twists and turns, humps and bumps and blood sweat and tears, but why did this have to happen now (if at all really)? Life was finally starting to move forward; finally starting to get better. I was becoming the person who I wanted to be, the one that had been lost for years behind the darkness of depression and anxiety and now here I am, lost even more than I was before.

How do you cope, when one question can change everything? The answer is you can’t; you just have to deal with it and move on the best you can

The Girl in the Green Shoes

 

 

 

Chapter Four, back to work & pajamas

Just a quick progress update on my FanFiction story and generally how I am feeling at the moment.

I am absolutely ecstatic at the response I have received so far for my Skins FanFic. I am surprised people are actually reading it, let alone taking the time to review and send me messages of encouragement. I originally posted the first chapter basically for myself, to prove I could actually do it…you know to stop being afraid and all of that.

So here I am… four chapters posted and almost eight chapters written. I never realised just good I feel when I write. Whether blogging or writing my FanFic it makes me feel…alive. Like I was meant to do this. It has only taken me to the ripe old age of 27 to figure this out about myself, but you know what? I am glad I found out at all. Better late than never hey?

This week has been a bit hectic. I went back to work after having a week off at home. I am one of those people who has to take my four weeks leave every calendar year otherwise I burn out and go crazy. A week at home did me good. I was able to recharge my batteries.

The bad part was the returning to work thing…always is. I was dreading going back on Monday just gone because I knew things wouldn’t be the way I had left it and basically that the “shit was always going to hit the fan” and it did…not as bad as I had been expecting but I still had to spend most of the week cleaning up the carnage left behind.

By the time I had left work on Friday I felt pretty good with the week’s progress and satisfied for once. As much as I want to be proactive at work, because of the nature of the work I do its almost impossible to be ahead of the game, but you can always try hey?

This weekend has basically seen me where three different pairs of pajamas…and that was only yesterday! I felt like having a pajama day and writing. It was so hot that I had to change three times. That’s Queensland heat for you.. I wasn’t in the best of moods this weekend, so the writing helped. Sometimes you have to listen to your mind/body and if it tells you to not see anyone and have a pajama day, then you MUST have a pajama day!

This morning when my fiance and I cleaned up the house (I really couldn’t have been bothered yesterday and I was grateful he decided to help me this morning) the sweat was literally dripping off me. I had it all over me, it was even dropping on my glasses! If you wear glasses I am sure you understand the predicament of the situation.

Anywho I am going to get back to editing my latest chapter. If you are a fan of Skins and like FanFiction let me know and I will send you the link 🙂

Happy Sunday everyone

Stay awesome 😉

The Girl in the Green Shoes