Catharsis

Catharsis ~ “The process of releasing, and thereby providing relief from, strong or repressed emotions”

Catharsis is what I want. Catharsis is what I need. Will writing this post give me that relief? Probably not. Will it help at all? Yeah, I guess so, but that’s not the point is it?

Has someone ever asked you one question that has changed your entire outlook on life?

Ever thought that one question could change your life?

Ever thought, that one question could make you question everything about your life and who you are?

Well one seemingly insignificant question, has perhaps changed my perspective on everything I thought I knew about myself…and to be honest it scares the shit outta me.

Life knows how to throw a curve ball, I know that…but what I didn’t know is that life can really fuck you over with one simple question. On one hand, I wish I was never asked said question, in fact my life would not have been railroaded if the person who asked the question never even asked it in the first place. But that is life for you, one detour after another and I get that. On the other hand, I understand why said question was asked, and why this question needs to be answered, because it has mentality to make or break me.

I get that life isn’t fair. I get that life is hard work. I get that life is…well life. But what I don’t get is why this question has uprooted me in a way that I may never recover from, not entirely anyway. I mean I’m not dying (well not yet anyway and I mean everyone will at some point), but the result is “life” threatening. Its threatening to my life…you know the one I thought I had a handle on; the one I had control (well mostly) of.

I just want to see reason in a sea of doubt. I want to find what I lost. I want to be strong again, but I don’t know how. This stupid insignificant question is perhaps the most important one of my life up until this point. The way forward is in my hands, but I have no clue what I should do or where I should go, you know why? Because this question, made me doubt who I am and to me that is devastating.

Life is hard enough without having to start again, but imagine if in a matter of weeks or days even, that your world was turned upside down. Imagine if everything you knew about yourself was…gone…*poof*

Imagine if all of your morals, beliefs and core values were shattered?

What if.

Would you cope? Could you handle the pressure?

To be honest, I am not sure if I can, but I am going to try because I will not let it be the death of be or be the bane of my existence . The challenge is now trying to find who I am again, because that person does not exist since this question was asked, pondered and an attempt was made to answer said question.

Trying to find myself again will come at a cost no doubt, but I am determined to sort this shit out…I mean I have to. I just can’t help but feel the pressure. Its like I have to explain myself to…well myself. Like I have to start again, relearn everything that was once me; what was once my sole existence.

Like I said I cannot deny that it will not be a road full of twists and turns, humps and bumps and blood sweat and tears, but why did this have to happen now (if at all really)? Life was finally starting to move forward; finally starting to get better. I was becoming the person who I wanted to be, the one that had been lost for years behind the darkness of depression and anxiety and now here I am, lost even more than I was before.

How do you cope, when one question can change everything? The answer is you can’t; you just have to deal with it and move on the best you can

The Girl in the Green Shoes

 

 

 

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