So it’s been like a week since I last posted. Believe me I have been trying to come up with something to write…but I have to be in the right mood to blog, otherwise it all comes out like some regurgitated piece of shh..sheppard’s pie.
I don’t just want to write anything and everything on here. I’m not one of those people who just status updates every 5 minutes, with whatever comes into my mind that very second. I think about what I write; it’s important to me.
So when I finally I got over myself and I felt the desire to write, here I am.
Okay, so what’s with the title?? Well, not that I’ve said a lot about it on here, if anything really (maybe I have…not sure??), but I have anxiety and issues with losing weight. I have battled the weight demon for years and after ditching some horrid medication and getting my health back on track, I think I am finally heading in the right direction.
When you have been through what I have, and experienced the unsuspecting side effects of drugs (prescription that is), it’s hard to change your mindset about things, in my case…food…especially food.
You see I had an extreme reaction to taking the contraceptive pill for 12 years; I have put on somewhere within the vicinity of 30-40kgs since my teens. Having only discovered this fact in the last 12 months, I have ditched the medications, changed other medications to avoid stacking on or impeding my weight loss once and for all.
I guess that hard part was, and still is to some degree, changing my relationship with food and ultimately how it makes me feel. A combination of side effects, anxiety, hormonal and emotional issues have contributed to my significant weight gain over the years. It isn’t just any one thing. The medication started the weight gain, and fueled it for years to come.
I was always hungry, never full; that was the medication.
I kept eating and eating and eating to try and fill the void I felt; that was hormones and emotions.
I kept hating myself for not being able to stop; that was the anxiety
These set of circumstances just fueled my anger, my hate and my low self-image of myself.
Its been about a year since I have ditched the pill and about 4 months since I changed my anxiety medication to try and combat some of the feelings I had and the potential to gain/ not lose weight. I’m not going to be on medication forever, I hope to be able to do this on my own one day, but for the time being I need a little bit of help to get there. I am not ashamed of taking medication to help me deal with my anxiety, but I am going to monitor myself so I don’t fall back into that black hole…it’s a scary place there.
Okay so food…changing my meds and getting my health back on track, I had finally started to lose weight (not much only a few kilos) and size (something is better than nothing). But the big change was how food made me “feel”. I’m not as hungry anymore, I don’t mindless eat as much anymore, I am trying to change my relationship with food.
It’s not that easy to change your mindset of something. The way you think has been ground into you your entire life; you can’t just flip a switch and say “I am going to stop doing that and do this instead”. Well some people can, but me? Meh, not so much.
Anyway, I have been going to a counselor/life-coach again to try and help me deal with some underlying issues that have inhibited me from moving forward and getting myself back on track. I go every 3 or 4 weeks for an hour and end up leaving much lighter…emotionally. The sessions do help with the main idea of change the way you think to change the way you feel to change the way you act (its actually a triangle diagram so the notion can go either way really)
So what have I been doing? I have been finding other things, not food related to do. Don’t get me wrong, I will so till continue follow my passion of cooking, but for now its on the back burner until I can learn to deal with stuff.
Food and food thoughts, have been replaced with…reading and writing (and a bit of music). Sounds simple enough. I have rediscovered my love of reading and believe me its hard to read and eat at the same time…have you ever tried it? Munching away, the page moves and you end up reading the same line like 9 times, before you realise you need to just chew your food and come back to the book later. I can escape with a book (or fanfiction) and enjoy living inside my head, where food can’t hurt me. And writing…obviously blogging has helped considerably, not that I have been doing it for long, but what do they always say? Quality not quantity?
Along the blogging route, I mentioned a few weeks ago that maybe one day I’ll write some of my own fanfiction…well you know what…I have 🙂 That is another reason why I have been AWOL in the last week. I have been totally engrossed with dumping my thoughts on paper (electronic paper that is, long gone are the days were we have to “write” on paper) and starting to write my first fanfic story. I’m up to like 14,400 words (4 chapters) so far and I feel absolutely amazing. Its like I am using a part of my brain that hasn’t been used since I was at university and even before that, when I was in high school. My creative brain
I have always been somewhat creative…I think so anyway…but it was always visual and via my imagination. I always had trouble saying, writing and drawing how I feel, but let me picture it in my head and it felt awesome. Now think of how it must feel to be able to express that “on paper”, its amazing. The euphoric rush I get from writing something that has been dancing around in my head for ages is a totally freakin amazing feeling.
For someone who hasn’t been truely happy for like 15 years, that is saying something. I am well on my way to curing my unhappiness and with that it could lead to losing weight and keeping it off for good (here’s hoping).
On a side note, I have started exercising again. I can’t do it everyday, because my ankle is still healing and my arthritis can be a bitch, but I am trying to do every second day (this week I done two 1hr is sessions). I feel so much better, and now I just have to keep going forward, one foot in front of the other.
Thanks for listening guys, I’ll try and not take too long between posts
The Girl in the Green Shoes