Am I a burden?

I ask this question all the time…to myself, but never to those I care about. I would hate to think that I am, and if I have been, I am sorry to those affected.

I wish I was like you; able to cruise through life, feel the wind in my hair, relax and talk about my feelings without getting upset. But right now I can’t because I am afflicted…with anxiety.

I am struggling. Some days you can see it and some days you can’t (mostly the former). Some days I see it and some days I can’t.

I don’t want to be a burden. I don’t want to drain, hurt or smother. I just want to be like you; neutral, content, carefree, accepted and loved.

One day maybe I can, but not right now. I do and am seeking help in the right places but I can’t change overnight. You see I have been battling mental illness for almost half my life…yes HALF my life. Almost 15 years of constant struggles with my core. In the last few years I have made triumphs and breakthroughs but I’ve also had setbacks and meltdowns.

Every few steps forward, and I’ll take a big step back, still progressing but it’s slow, and painful; both physically and mentally draining.

I just want you to know, I am here and I am fighting for my right to live a life like everyone else, not perfect, not extraordinary and not any different; just a life better than I am (mentally) living at this point in time.

Today has been a good day…you see I do have them. I woke up, got ready, did the school drop off, avoided highway traffic, had a fairly productive work day (and I actually took my lunch break offsite with a friend), I finished work on time, came home early, went to the doctor, home for dinner, bedtime routine, making lunches and tidied the lounge and kitchen…now I’m here…typing out this post on my phone, whilst sitting on the couch eating a cup of fruit (pineapple, raspberries and strawberries – and no needles found for those of you who watch Australian news) and intermittently observing the cat trying to trap the odd bug dancing in the kitchen. So today has been a good day.

Earlier in the week…not so much…I had a meltdown…wish I didn’t…wish there wasn’t collateral but here was. That is what I have to contend with on bad days…collateral…my relationships (partner, family, friends, work colleges, and the cat) don’t always get to “avoid” that traffic.

So I AM A BURDEN, but I’m working on it. Years of trying to overcome the internal self esteem battle will do that to you; thinking you are not good enough, being neglected and rejected by those you love. Suppressing the one thing that has been missing from your life all of these years and letting it drive you crazy.

But I’m working on it. I hope you can understand that my brain doesn’t work the way yours does, my emotions can get out of control, but I have the warmest heart you will ever find.

I am me and I’m getting to where I want to be…one day at a time.

Please support your friends and family who have to battle themselves on a daily basis whether they have mental illnesses or not; we are all in this together, and in the words of Ellen “be kind to one another”

Stay awesome 😉

The Girl in the Green Shoes

The switch

*Flick*

There is a switch inside us that sometimes just…flicks over. The pivot point creeps up on us; most of the time unknowingly and then *snap* in an instant…something changes; we change. In some circumstances, this switch aids us, whether we realise it at the time or not. And then again…sometimes this switch becomes our enemy; a master of trickery (and I’m not talking Halloween-style trick or treat people).

When this instantaneous shift in mindset is positively charged, it can add spice to our life, switch up the norm and send us on a spontaneous adventure; whether mentally or physically. It can spark creativity, send us on a trip down memory lane or even give us the courage to try something new.

On the other hand, a negatively energised flip of the switch, can not only give you a shock, but it can fuel our anxieties and insecurities, and is then therefore potentially detrimental to our mental health and general well-being, if we let it.

How many people have “willingly” touched an electric fence just to see what happens? Pretty sure we have all done it as kids, but would you now? I know I wouldn’t; I’d be too caught up in calculating the risks and outcome that I would just back away. Kids are, for the most part, carefree, adventurous little tikes, always wanting to experiment and do things just “because they feel like it”.

As adults, we have had many experiences and teachings that can either work in our favour or against us. For those of us who are more susceptible to negative thought patterns, anxieties and low self worth (esteem), are more likely to crack and crumble under the pressure of a flipped switch.

I know my switch gets flipped quite often. Somedays I wake up that way; “on the wrong side of the bed” and somedays something triggers me out of the blue. There are times I can identify the trigger and sometimes when it feels like there was no trigger at all. I sometimes feel jealous when I have no real reason to. Sometimes it can be something so trivial, that any “normal” person would just shake it off. Sometimes I feel that some people speak to me in a certain tone; one that is different to everyone else they speak to. Sometimes I feel like the boring friend or insignificant other, not worthy of spontaneity, light-hearted conversations or even a good laugh. Whether I know the trigger at the time or not, the only thing I know to be true is my level of self worth; a level that it not very high.

I know a few experiences in my life may have contributed to my self esteem issues, but aside from those, I had a fairly good upbringing with loving family and friends. Basically no reason to doubt myself, physically, emotionally or mentally; but I do, not always, but the majority of the time.

We are all different. We all have our personal trials and tribulations. And we all undoubtedly experience the inevitable flipping of the switch; but some people can just deal better than others and that is not necessarily a good or bad thing…it’s just life.

And one thing I have learned…oh too well…in the last 12 months or so, is that it takes a lot of courage and hard work to influence your self esteem in a positive way, but it also takes ALOT time and support of those you love; including the love you give (or are supposed to give) yourself.

For those of you out there who can handle a flipped switch; support those who cannot. And for those who crumble at (or even before) the tipping point, either allow yourself to be supported by those who love and care for you, or be able to believe in yourself enough and be patient enough to welcome change.

We are not always the sum of our parts…sometimes there is more to us. There are wonky triangles out there and you know what? A wonky triangle is still a triangle, no ifs buts or maybes. There is always more to your story…there is always a light at the end of the tunnel and a switch can always be flipped back.

Life is hard. It takes courage to be whomever you are, no matter your circumstances. Be brave and take a stance at againsts the odds. And for those who are a little more worse for wear, seek help and support.

Stay awesome 😉

The Girl in the Green Shoes