Am I a burden?

I ask this question all the time…to myself, but never to those I care about. I would hate to think that I am, and if I have been, I am sorry to those affected.

I wish I was like you; able to cruise through life, feel the wind in my hair, relax and talk about my feelings without getting upset. But right now I can’t because I am afflicted…with anxiety.

I am struggling. Some days you can see it and some days you can’t (mostly the former). Some days I see it and some days I can’t.

I don’t want to be a burden. I don’t want to drain, hurt or smother. I just want to be like you; neutral, content, carefree, accepted and loved.

One day maybe I can, but not right now. I do and am seeking help in the right places but I can’t change overnight. You see I have been battling mental illness for almost half my life…yes HALF my life. Almost 15 years of constant struggles with my core. In the last few years I have made triumphs and breakthroughs but I’ve also had setbacks and meltdowns.

Every few steps forward, and I’ll take a big step back, still progressing but it’s slow, and painful; both physically and mentally draining.

I just want you to know, I am here and I am fighting for my right to live a life like everyone else, not perfect, not extraordinary and not any different; just a life better than I am (mentally) living at this point in time.

Today has been a good day…you see I do have them. I woke up, got ready, did the school drop off, avoided highway traffic, had a fairly productive work day (and I actually took my lunch break offsite with a friend), I finished work on time, came home early, went to the doctor, home for dinner, bedtime routine, making lunches and tidied the lounge and kitchen…now I’m here…typing out this post on my phone, whilst sitting on the couch eating a cup of fruit (pineapple, raspberries and strawberries – and no needles found for those of you who watch Australian news) and intermittently observing the cat trying to trap the odd bug dancing in the kitchen. So today has been a good day.

Earlier in the week…not so much…I had a meltdown…wish I didn’t…wish there wasn’t collateral but here was. That is what I have to contend with on bad days…collateral…my relationships (partner, family, friends, work colleges, and the cat) don’t always get to “avoid” that traffic.

So I AM A BURDEN, but I’m working on it. Years of trying to overcome the internal self esteem battle will do that to you; thinking you are not good enough, being neglected and rejected by those you love. Suppressing the one thing that has been missing from your life all of these years and letting it drive you crazy.

But I’m working on it. I hope you can understand that my brain doesn’t work the way yours does, my emotions can get out of control, but I have the warmest heart you will ever find.

I am me and I’m getting to where I want to be…one day at a time.

Please support your friends and family who have to battle themselves on a daily basis whether they have mental illnesses or not; we are all in this together, and in the words of Ellen “be kind to one another”

Stay awesome 😉

The Girl in the Green Shoes

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The switch

*Flick*

There is a switch inside us that sometimes just…flicks over. The pivot point creeps up on us; most of the time unknowingly and then *snap* in an instant…something changes; we change. In some circumstances, this switch aids us, whether we realise it at the time or not. And then again…sometimes this switch becomes our enemy; a master of trickery (and I’m not talking Halloween-style trick or treat people).

When this instantaneous shift in mindset is positively charged, it can add spice to our life, switch up the norm and send us on a spontaneous adventure; whether mentally or physically. It can spark creativity, send us on a trip down memory lane or even give us the courage to try something new.

On the other hand, a negatively energised flip of the switch, can not only give you a shock, but it can fuel our anxieties and insecurities, and is then therefore potentially detrimental to our mental health and general well-being, if we let it.

How many people have “willingly” touched an electric fence just to see what happens? Pretty sure we have all done it as kids, but would you now? I know I wouldn’t; I’d be too caught up in calculating the risks and outcome that I would just back away. Kids are, for the most part, carefree, adventurous little tikes, always wanting to experiment and do things just “because they feel like it”.

As adults, we have had many experiences and teachings that can either work in our favour or against us. For those of us who are more susceptible to negative thought patterns, anxieties and low self worth (esteem), are more likely to crack and crumble under the pressure of a flipped switch.

I know my switch gets flipped quite often. Somedays I wake up that way; “on the wrong side of the bed” and somedays something triggers me out of the blue. There are times I can identify the trigger and sometimes when it feels like there was no trigger at all. I sometimes feel jealous when I have no real reason to. Sometimes it can be something so trivial, that any “normal” person would just shake it off. Sometimes I feel that some people speak to me in a certain tone; one that is different to everyone else they speak to. Sometimes I feel like the boring friend or insignificant other, not worthy of spontaneity, light-hearted conversations or even a good laugh. Whether I know the trigger at the time or not, the only thing I know to be true is my level of self worth; a level that it not very high.

I know a few experiences in my life may have contributed to my self esteem issues, but aside from those, I had a fairly good upbringing with loving family and friends. Basically no reason to doubt myself, physically, emotionally or mentally; but I do, not always, but the majority of the time.

We are all different. We all have our personal trials and tribulations. And we all undoubtedly experience the inevitable flipping of the switch; but some people can just deal better than others and that is not necessarily a good or bad thing…it’s just life.

And one thing I have learned…oh too well…in the last 12 months or so, is that it takes a lot of courage and hard work to influence your self esteem in a positive way, but it also takes ALOT time and support of those you love; including the love you give (or are supposed to give) yourself.

For those of you out there who can handle a flipped switch; support those who cannot. And for those who crumble at (or even before) the tipping point, either allow yourself to be supported by those who love and care for you, or be able to believe in yourself enough and be patient enough to welcome change.

We are not always the sum of our parts…sometimes there is more to us. There are wonky triangles out there and you know what? A wonky triangle is still a triangle, no ifs buts or maybes. There is always more to your story…there is always a light at the end of the tunnel and a switch can always be flipped back.

Life is hard. It takes courage to be whomever you are, no matter your circumstances. Be brave and take a stance at againsts the odds. And for those who are a little more worse for wear, seek help and support.

Stay awesome 😉

The Girl in the Green Shoes

when life gives you lemons, be a pineapple!

“However difficult life may seem, there is always something you can do, and succeed at. It matters that you don’t just give up.” ~ Stephen Hawking

Soooo…I’ve be a little…okay…a LOT…absent in recent times. As life does, it often takes unexpected turns; mostly not in our favour…however enough with the past. Cannot change it, so onwards!

I woke up today feeling energised for creativity, something that has been seriously lacking in my life of late. I decided to rename this blog; hence the new blog name and titled post. And better yet…I STARTED TO WRITE AGAIN! Newsflash: BIG DEAL!

For too long I’ve been stuck inside a prison of my own construction; one without walls, bars, locks or keys for that matter….so essentially an invisible prison, that can be easily broken out of, only it was never that simple…or was it?

So many things have changed in the last year, like MAJOR life changes. Loooong story short, I admitted I was gay, left my fiance, met the love of my life, quit my job, moved from my rural town to a somewhat metropolitan city, started a new job, moved in with my “instant” family, took a while to make new friends etc…so basically I had an epiphany moment, acted on it, became overwhelmed and internally spiraled out of control. Or in other words, anxiety got the better of me, only it didn’t. Make sense? Of course not! Allow me to explain.

Anxiety is a SYMPTOM not the issue! BUT anxiety is still the weirdo that stares at you on the bus…its always there, whether you notice it or not. But the real ISSUE here (well in my case) is self esteem, or lack there of it.

Anyways trying to move on from the past, push the future to the back of my mind and live the now. Easier said than done, but hey *shrugs shoulders* at least I am trying to…

I woke up rather early this morning, after my partner went to work. It was cold and I really had to pee. I tried to go back to sleep but it didn’t really work, so I picked up my phone and started googling for new hobbies, as you do when you cannot get back to sleep. So that’s what I did. I was so set on finding a new hobby, that I had forgotten or had rather chosen to forget those I already had. Those hobbies sitting on a damaged shelf, collecting dust, inside that invisible prison of mine.

I like reading. I like writing. I like photos, music, movies and everything in between. *DING* [insert epiphany moment here]. That’s when I realised that I already had hobbies in my life, I just needed to get motivated inspired to just do it. I need to start re-finding joy in what I already know to be true in my heart. I have to push past the anxiety and just start over, doing what I once loved…writing, reading, researching and randomness.

Still with me here? I know I know. That Girl in the Green Shoes can be completely random, talk underwater and surprise you at the best of times, but hey…I’m here, I’m queer (quite literally!) and best of all I am me! If you don’t like it, feel free to stop reading r i g h t  h e r e. And don’t worry I won’t hold it against you, in fact there really are not that many people who actually read this blog is there? Oh well, I do this for me, so who cares!

But for those of you, who do follow this blog AND can put up with me and all my quirks, as my mother would put it, I am just a girl, attempting making a really good attempt, to find herself again…I’m sure we can all relate to that right?

So as long as I can keep myself in check, and accountable for my creativity, you can find me here for my next post.

As a wise person, once said…never let yourself be the one who stops you from living or being who you are, because you will always regret it if you do.

Stay awesome 😉

The Girl in the Green Shoes

 

So…a new chapter in the unknown book of life

Flowers on a picnic table

Flowers on a table; an empty table. These beautiful multicoloured roses use sitting there all alone. Of all the stories these lonely flowers could tell, is it a tale of loneliness, one that’s forgotten or sorrowful? Is it a reminder of love lost or one that’s departed? Of all the things in places, why here? Why at the beach on an overcast Saturday morning…

That is something that I cannot answer, nor could anybody else; unless the owner arrives to collect these forgotten beauties. Or perhaps a new owner arrives to state their claim…who knows. It’s like when they say ‘if a tree falls alone in the forrest would it make a sound, or because there is no one there to hear it, is there only silence?’ Could these flowers stay there forever? Perhaps, but unlikely. There would be someone at some stage come along and pick them up and most likely dispose of them in the nearby rubbish bin.
Although cut and purposely arranged in wrapped plastic, they are but disposable, whether now or in three days; or perhaps they will last a week? At some stage they will wither away, dry up and unfortunately become but a memory on this earth. Like almost all things in this life, death is but a given. Somethings may still ‘exist’ but all will eventually leave this world, but that is neither here nor there, is it? It’s not something to dread. It’s not something to worry about, at least for now. 

It’s complicated thought, that if grasped appropriately, grounds you to the now and forces you to make the choice to live fully and die trying, or live a half life; a cursed life…okay so I ‘borrowed’ that last part from Harry Potter…shoot me. What I am saying is there is no right or wrong answer. There are only but choices that we make on our own accord.

These flowers for instance, someone else made the decision for them and now they are sitting abandoned on a cold aluminium picnic table on the esplanade of a seaside town, doomed to carry out the rest of their futile existence alone. It was not their choice, however they do not have a brain; unlike me, a person and a brain (I hope) I do have.

Here I am sitting down at the beach, overlooking the slow crashing of waves and listening to the gentle rumble of the sea, caught up in the all the potential explanations as to why these flowers are here and what they mean, but that is my choice. As it what I write and who gets to see it.

Life is all about choice and now that I accept that, and beginning to truely understand that word…choice…I only hope my life will be able to lived the way in which I want to live it; not because of other people’s choices, decisions or lack thereof. I am but a vessel for my brain to have adventures in. I at least have to make it worthwhile, don’t I?

Stay awesome 😉

The Girl in the Green Shoes (or rather brown “thongs” being at the beach…be sure to google the Australian definition of thongs, like the ones you wear on your feet)

Curing (hopefully) not-a-writer’s block with…steak

It has been AGES since I have had a piece of steak…like ages. I mean a few weeks back I had a small piece of…rump…bleh…I hate rump steak, but aside from that it has been some time since I have enjoyed a deliciously succulent flavoursome piece of prime rib.

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I mean look at that ^^^ (I know its not the best picture because of the lighting in this room…but still!) and guess what? It has…bacon too!

Okay so I guess you have all caught on just how much I like LOVE steak (and bacon) and the obvious lacking of it from my diet of late. I am currently on the Lite ‘n’ Easy eating plan (it’s not really a diet), so I get a styrofoam esky (cooler) delivered to my back door every Thursday, with a week’s worth of breakfasts, lunches and dinners (both fresh and frozen and actually pretty darn good food at that). At the moment it is making my life much easier and is assisting me in my weight loss journey but there is one teensy weensy problem… You guessed it…no steak 😦 *suppressing sobs between keystrokes*

I pretty much eat chicken, chicken, fish, pasta, salad (lots of salad) and…did I mention chicken? I do “like” chicken, but seriously I am all chickened-out at the momento. I mean, I get to choose between two options for breakfast and lunch, so I can select something other than chicken, but when the other option for the day is tinned salmon on a grain roll, I will pick chicken. Fresh salmon no f@#king worries, but tinned salmon on a sandwich…no…thank…you…sir.

Okay so what does this have to do with steak? Everything and nothing. So the title mentions curing (well hopefully) not-a-writer’s block. First things first; I am not a writer. I write, but would hardly call myself a “writer”. I am new to this ball game and all. But if you want to call me a writer, okay that’s fine, then I am a writer 🙂

If you haven’t noticed, my last blog post was two weeks ago and the one before that was…ahh…I cannot remember that far back…let’s say a while (emphasise the “h” like Meg Griffin from Family Guy and we are sweet). And that is about the same for my last fanfic chapter post too. Why is that? Because I’m suffering. Well not really suffering; well I am not dying…no yet anyway…gee I hope I’m not dying… I mean I have suffered a three (nearly four) day migraine this last week, so maybe that has something to do with it. The point is I am finding it hard to write…well more so to continue writing with my latest fanfic chapter.

I don’t think I am “stuck” for story meat (excuse the pun), and the migraine did take it out of me this week, but I think it’s something more. I have a feeling in the pit of my stomach (you know currently floating around with the absolutely delectable mass of steak particles I just devoured) and this nagging in the far reaches of my brain, that I know the reason why; I’m scared. Why am I scared? I am coming to the last part of my first ever fanfic story.

I am scared (and perhaps maybe a little sad) because I don’t want it to go downhill from here…the story I mean. I want to finish it in the next month or so, and I want to finish with a bang! I have had so much fun writing my first fanfic and also blogging on here. What can I say, I really enjoy writing. I enjoy letting my creative side grab life by the proverbial balls and just go for it.

Writing has opened many doors and windows, and the occasional car door for me. It has opened my mind to so many things in 2017 and we are only in *checks calendar* April. April? Gee that’s gone quick, must be getting old. It appears that I am approaching twenty eight a little bit too fast for my liking…but that’s a rant for another day. Where was I? Oh yes, steak.

This post will always come back to steak, but there is a reason other than me eating it…really I swear there is!

So I decided to cook a nice portion of rib fillet steak, topped with bacon and a side of kale salad, to try an get me in the mood for writing…okay that part was only partly true, but here we are. Anyways, as I was eating my steak, I was thinking how can I get pumped (and yes, motivated) for writing the next chapter of my fanfic, and a thought whacked me smack-bang in the center of the brain…steak! Yes, I mean steak.

I thought to myself, maybe if I try to find as many words as I can to describe this steak, it might trick my brain into allowing me to actually write something, hence this post and hopefully the next chapter (or at least the chapter outline) will follow.

So of all the words I could use to describe steak, well this steak in particular, and here’s what I came up with; delicious, delectable, succulent, tasty (although I normally wouldn’t use this word in this context), juicy, flavoursome, tender, hearty, bacon-topped (technically its one word), mouth-watering, smokey, generous, filling and I am sure I had come up with more…hmmmm

Well the steak describing words did the trick (well that and the excitement from my recent iBooks purchase of “The Kick-ass Writer” by Chuck Wendig – I love that guy, he is awesome!) to get me to start writing again, because LOOK WHERE I AM. I am WRITING on my blog, so there’s the start I was looking for and I’m glad I’m here…Girl in the Green Shoes (why am I speaking in the third person??) I have missed you.

As such many accomplished writer’s express in their tutorials and snippets of advice, some times you really just need to start writing when you think you have succumbed to this pretty much non-existent phenomenon of writer’s block; well not-a-writer’s block in my case. Even if its the same letter on a page 7,000 times or “The quick brown fox…” or even just dfhjdsfgeuoiryewrhkjndofcndufbewgfrkhje efrewfhdsifykdhejwknrdejwhdfdyfkew (that was symbolising the phenomena of “jibberish”), just writing something, heck ANYTHING, can get the cogs and wheels of your pretty little brain in forward motion and really that is all you need to build momentum to start/continue writing just about anything.

Well I’m off to do some fanfic writing, thanks for reading greenies! You have been a big help in getting me back on track tonight…oh and I secretly wanted to brag about that fantastic slab of meat I just ate. If you have forgotten, please scroll back up and look at the picture again *scrolls up and drools for several minutes*.

Anyways until next time…

Stay awesome 😉

The Girl in the Green Shoes

Untitled

Ever write for the sake of writing? I do all the time now…and I love it.

Never know where to begin? Nearly every time I pick up a ‘pen’ or rest my hands on the keyboard.

Sometimes the only way to start writing, really it to start. Doesn’t matter what, just start…somewhere. Whether its a topic or words on a page, it really doesn’t matter; it doesn’t even have to make sense to anyone else but you (ICBG/ITILMN/WICRWASANL).

I suppose this post is just a bit of rambling to get me back into the swing of writing. My FanFiction story has reached thirteen chapters (approx. 60,000 words). I get regular readers and a few reviews here and there but that doesn’t matter, because I enjoy writing it.

Of late, there are many other things I enjoy doing; especially things I have never done before or neglected to make time for, or purely forgotten about. Sometimes I feel like I don’t know where to start or even how I’m feeling, all I know is that for the first time in, what seems like ever, I am actually ‘living’.

Depression and anxiety, along with work and study had/has consumed my existence since I was about 15. I never really made time for the things I actually ‘liked’ doing, because I didn’t have time, because of school, uni or work or I went from one extreme to the other.

Sometimes I wouldn’t start an assignment until the week before it was due and then be skulling red bulls the night/early hours of the morning before submission, just to get it finished. My mother used to say I was rather skilled at ‘winging it’. I can agree with her, but I really didn’t like ‘winging it’. I like to be organised and calculating; its just in my nature to be.

Or, all I would do is study and work myself into the ground. Even when I graduated uni, I threw myself into work, sometimes working 50 hours a week in my office jobs. I became a workaholic and stopped living my life. My health and attitude were tainted for many years because of disorders and medication and now that I have finally started to get my life back on track, things seem to be falling into place.

Not everything is perfect and I know it never will be, and of course the circle will never be complete, but I can try, can’t I? I mean, nowadays I am making time for things that make me…well me. And that is something that I have never really done before, because I lost who I was. I was living a tainted existence; I was living half a life, and really I wasn’t really living my life…but I think now I am starting to.

I am starting to be a little more open and honest within myself, and that is hard for me. Although I am engaged to be married, I am trying to be a little more of an individual and do things that I want to do. I lost individualism when I entered the realm of adulthood and more so since I have been someone’s significant other for the last seven years. It is nothing against my husband to be, it just has to do with things inside myself; purely just me. And there is nothing wrong with that, as long as you can distinguish between the two; living as an individual and living as a couple.

Again life, well my life, isn’t perfect; I still have worries and things bashing around in my brain non-stop, but I think I have the advantage now; I have the upper hand on myself, because I am finally beginning to figure out who the hell I am and to be honest it is quite liberating.

I was always so scared of what other people thought, that I would only see things they way others (I thought) would see me. I was afraid to be myself, I was afraid of who I was, that I wasn’t really living at all. Yes the anxiety and depression played a large role over those 12 years, but then I never really let myself live, because I was afraid. Now that I am getting help and support from those dearest to me and mainly from myself, I am starting to not care about what other people think of me so much and it has made me start to live a little more…and that is a feeling that I am chasing at the moment and hope to chase the rest of my life (to keep me moving forward).

I used to think secrets are bad and that living inside yourself was treacherous, but sometimes I think it is essential because it shows you, and only you, who you truly are. Yes, some secrets are bad and somethings people do are unforgivable, but then on the other hand, no one can truly know you, except you and I don’t think that is a bad thing at all.

I want some things just to be special to me; and only me. Is that a crime? I don’t think so. There is a reason I write as The Girl in the Green Shoes and not under my real name, because I am showing a part of myself that I only want to show to people who don’t know me; those who cannot judge the ‘real’ me. I mean there are a ‘select’ few who read my blog who actually do know me and one in particular that probably knows me quite well, you know who you are ;).

As I am starting to learn more about myself (at first some of these things were quite confronting but I am slowly getting my head around it now, or at least trying to), I am finally starting to find the real me; one that was either lost or didn’t exist in the first place, and that my friends, makes me feel real for perhaps the first time in my life.

I never could handle my emotions very well. Always wore my heart on my sleeve, always very open and honest, very loyal and trusting. Now I am starting to be a little more reserved and keep a few more things a little under the collar; some of those thoughts and attributes kept just for me. And I think living life like this a little more has made me be happier, and perhaps a little more social. It has also made me realise a few things about myself that I never thought were possible or even that I was denying for a very long time.

A long time ago I was quite the social butterfly, well in my words anyway. I used to see friends and family all the time, always had something on every night of the week, always doing something or seeing someone, then something happened…I broke and became a shell of a person; those were my darkest of days.

As I said, I have worked hard on myself, trying to wrap my head around things and finally I am moving forward and that’s great. Writing has helped me get there, it truly has. And because reading and writing go hand-in-hand, reading has made me grow, not only as a writer (not that I am calling myself one, I’m not), but as a person. Some of the posts I read on here or chapters on FanFiction, just speak to me; in words that I understand. Some of the people on here and FF alike, seem just as shattered and broken as I was, but they managed to pick themselves up, and gradually the scars are fading. Their words and stories have inspired me. They have ignited a flame deep inside m that has made me realise that my life is actually worth living.

I no longer look in the mirror and detest what I see (well not at 100% anyway). I look into the mirror and see flashes and glimpses of the person I want to be and one that I am slowly becoming. I have always had very low self esteem and I think it was a mixture of anxiety and depression growing up, but also because of the ‘time’ in which I grew up.

Everything was labelled back then; short/tall, fatty/skinny, pretty/ugly, straight/gay, happy/sad. I am sure those labels still exist, but people in this era are more accepting, because it is no longer a crime to be different, its welcomed (well more so then back then). Sometimes I think that if I had grown up now, back in that time that my life would have been on a COMPLETELY different track.

I don’t regret how or when I grew up, I just think that because of all of those influences, it has delayed the actual start of my adult life. Being an adult is not the easiest walk in the park and most times it just plain sucks, but if I had known back then, what I know now about myself and other people, I would have been living a more full life. But at least I am getting somewhere now; at least there is light at the end of the continuous tunnel…and for that (and myself) I am truly grateful for.

Don’t let anymore tell you who you are or what you’re not. You are the only person who will every truly know you and some parts you need to keep just for yourself, for your eyes only.

Never let yourself be the one who stops you from living or being who you are, because you will always regret it if you do.

Stay awesome 😉

The Girl in the Green Shoes

Indescribable 

The day I have had (and it’s only lunch time)…and what I am feeling today is…indescribable.

Do you ever get the feeling (or lack thereof) that you know what it is but really you don’t? Cryptic I know, but it’s all the same. How can you describe a feeling that is many feelings rolled into one big…(insert expletives here)!

Well this is how I feel, so if you can describe it or label it go ahead…I would be very interested to know.

Angry, upset, sad, broken, under appreciated, frustrated, irritated, confused, blazé, tired, awake (insert more if you like) and strangely…calm. I’m not sure if I need a hug, a long sleep, a holiday, strong vodka or to punch someone in the face! WHAT THE HELL AM I FEELING?!

Whatever it is I just want the day to be over…well week actually…and to my disappointment it’s only Tuesday!

That is why I am here; quiet, breezy coffee shop with my Soy Hot Chocolate and some choc chip muffin (wouldn’t surprise me if it’s raw or organic or something, but it tastes pretty darn good). I need an escape from…that place. Even if it’s for only another half an hour that’s left in my lunch break…I need it.

So how do you feel all of these things all at once and not feel like exploding all of the painted walls? I have no clue, all I am trying to do is survive, stay calm and remain impartial, because that is the only way in hell that I am going to get through this day. Oh! And the fact o have a boxing bag at home…

Stay awesome 😉

The Girl in the Green Shoes

Backwards: Condition, shampoo, repeat

Sometimes wearing (or not wearing) glasses can be a burden. It’s not so much the inability to ‘see’ things with your own eyes, but more so ‘what’ you do see with them.

My eyesight? Crap. I can see relatively clearly about 10cm in front of my nose and the rest is a blur; has been that way since as long as eye (excuse the pun) can remember.

I was fourteen when I became aware that I needed glasses. I was sitting in the science lab (like where you sit is like halfway across the room from the white/black board) and everyone was writing ‘stuff’ down, and I just sat there. I had no clue what everyone was writing, so I just started copying my friend next to me.

My friend soon realised that I couldn’t actually ‘see’ what the teacher was writing on the board; it was like he was ‘pretending’ to write stuff and making the students learn or something…well to me anyway. Not long after, did I actually realise I had to do something about my eyesight. I started getting extreme headaches, almost to the point of throwing up and being unable to concentrate on things I would normally have no issue with doing.

I didn’t know that what I ‘saw’ was different to everyone else. Looking back, I used to think that (when sitting in the school hall with the rest of the school) not seeing the detail on the teachers face when they were talking was…normal. Surely people couldn’t have that clear eyesight, could they? How could I have been more wrong…

Our school was split into four ‘houses’ each with their own colour; Lassig ‘Sharks’ (Blue), Tallon ‘Tigers’ (Green), Miles ‘Mustangs’ (Red) and finally my house, Hazzard ‘Hawks’ (Gold/Yellow). We each had a designated corner of the hall, in which Hazzard sat in the back left hand corner…basically as far away as you can sit from the front stage.

I would always know who was talking and could match up their voice with the way they moved and their position on the stage; again I thought seeing like this was ‘normal’ obviously it wasn’t.

After the headaches progressively got worse, my mother took me to the Optometrist for an eye test and diagnosis? Blind a a bat (although back then I could see about a meter in front of my nose clearly).

When my first pair of glasses arrived and I put them on, I remember that day so clearly (seriously no pun intended) like it was yesterday; in fact this was fourteen years ago…wow that is a long time now I think about it. Do you want to know what I saw? Everything…yep…every little thing.

Things I never knew where there were now staring at me clear in the face for the very first time. It was like everything was in 3D; like a filter had been changed or a light had been switched on for the first time. I instantly felt better; like more of a whole.

Aside from getting used to ‘seeing’ properly for the first time in my life (you know the headaches, sore eyes, sometimes ringing in the ears?) I felt amazing. I could read signs, see small font in the distance, see birds on power lines, and some things I actually found out had been there all along and I just never noticed them, because to my naked eye they never existed…until now (well then if you look at it that way).

My Optometrist had this like this…ritual (I suppose that’s what you’d call it) when you get your new glasses/prescription (and he still does this after all these years) he would make you stand in a specific spot by the front door of the shop and made you look down the street, towards the buildings in the distance. It allows you to adjust to the new strength without actually walking around and making yourself sick or fall over. And I remember the first time he did this, you know when everything was in 3D?

He stood me by one of the stands holding numerous amounts of different frames (in all colours, shapes, sizes and designs), basically pointing to the exact carpet or tile spot to stand on and directed me to look out onto the street. I felt a rush of feelings; a rush of pure emotion really. Like all my Christmases had come at once. Look I know that sounds stupid, but I am sure if you do wear (or have ever worn) glasses for the first time (like when you ‘actually’ require them) you know exactly what I am talking about.

Most people take the ability to ‘see’ for granted, because they don’t know what its like to not see, well ‘see’ through your own eyes, unassisted. I know this feeling oh too well, the not being able to see part, not the taking for granted part. I have always said if I had the choice of superpower I would most definitely choose the ability to see again, like properly; unassisted pure sight. I can’t speak for people who are actually blind and cannot see anything at all (and I feel for them, I really do…well as much as I can, as I am one of the ‘lucky’ ones who can ‘see’ at the very least something), but seeing is truly believing and being able to live your life to the fullest.

So what does all this have to do with Shampoo and Conditioner (well Conditioner then Shampoo in this case) you ask? Everything and nothing; depends how you look at it.

I have probably done this a million times but only recently this has stuck out in my mind (twice). The first time was towards the end of last year I think, and the second was about an hour ago; this morning. What am I talking about? Conditioner.

When you literally cannot see anything (like details of ‘things’) without your glasses on (like when trying to wash your hair) picking up the wrong bottle can make a massive difference. So this morning (possibly like many times before) I picked up the wrong bottle and started to condition my hair instead of shampoo.

You know how they has wash, rinse repeat? As in shampoo, condition, shampoo? Well today I did things backwards; condition, shampoo, condition. It really does make a difference and probably not a bad one. Like I said the first time I realised I had done it, I thought maybe I should do this more often; wash my hair backwards that is.

My shampoo and conditioner bottles are the same colour and size, but one opens from the top (shampoo) and the other (conditioner) opens from the bottom. Most times I would pick up on which is which, but my fiance has been stealing my shampoo again and switched the bottles around. I know he didn’t do this on purpose, but there is an underlying reason why everything has its place in our house and in my life…the fact I cannot see.

Mise en place (pronounced ‘miz on plus’ for those new to the concept) as the French call it, “everything in its place”. Its usually used in the concept of cooking, but it has its place (again with the unintentional puns…I am truly sorry about that!) in the concept of eyesight (or lack there of). I keep try to keep everything in a certain place or in a certain way. It’s not just an OCD thing, its a legitimate process as well.

For example in the shower, my bathing products are lined up two by two on the ledge, in a certain order (from right to left from the shower wall); conditioner at the back and shampoo in front, face scrub at the back and cleanser in the front, body scrub at the back and body wash in front, then my finance’s ‘2 in 1’ shampoo and conditioner at the back and men’s body wash in front.

The reason? So I can shower in control, by knowing which bottle is the bloody shampoo and which bottle is the bloody conditioner of course! Seriously, those who do not wear glasses do not  know the daily struggles of those who do. Although I would rather wear glasses now than contacts (not that I can’t stick my finger in my eye…I have no problem with that!) I get annoyed a lot at my inability to see like everyone else does and just the way I look without glasses. Mostly because my eyes look sunken without them, having worn glasses for fourteen years and also because they kind of suit me after all these years.

The struggle is real people! Like when people say “your glasses should have windscreen wipers attached”…no joke it would be a freaking brilliant idea!

I suppose if you look at this post one-dimensionally, I guess all you’ll ‘see’ is glasses, not being able to see and washing your hair backwards is probably good for your hair (seriously I read that somewhere when I realised I had washed my hair backwards the first time), but really I guess the moral of this post is what you make of it.

Some may see it as clarification, others entertainment, me? I see it as soothing; and maybe perhaps a little justification in why I do the things I do and feel the way I feel. However you take it, I hope you enjoyed my positive (?) rant and perhaps you should actually try washing your hair backwards and tell me what you think, yeah?

Stay Awesome 😉

The Girl in the Green Shoes