Ever write for the sake of writing? I do all the time now…and I love it.
Never know where to begin? Nearly every time I pick up a ‘pen’ or rest my hands on the keyboard.
Sometimes the only way to start writing, really it to start. Doesn’t matter what, just start…somewhere. Whether its a topic or words on a page, it really doesn’t matter; it doesn’t even have to make sense to anyone else but you (ICBG/ITILMN/WICRWASANL).
I suppose this post is just a bit of rambling to get me back into the swing of writing. My FanFiction story has reached thirteen chapters (approx. 60,000 words). I get regular readers and a few reviews here and there but that doesn’t matter, because I enjoy writing it.
Of late, there are many other things I enjoy doing; especially things I have never done before or neglected to make time for, or purely forgotten about. Sometimes I feel like I don’t know where to start or even how I’m feeling, all I know is that for the first time in, what seems like ever, I am actually ‘living’.
Depression and anxiety, along with work and study had/has consumed my existence since I was about 15. I never really made time for the things I actually ‘liked’ doing, because I didn’t have time, because of school, uni or work or I went from one extreme to the other.
Sometimes I wouldn’t start an assignment until the week before it was due and then be skulling red bulls the night/early hours of the morning before submission, just to get it finished. My mother used to say I was rather skilled at ‘winging it’. I can agree with her, but I really didn’t like ‘winging it’. I like to be organised and calculating; its just in my nature to be.
Or, all I would do is study and work myself into the ground. Even when I graduated uni, I threw myself into work, sometimes working 50 hours a week in my office jobs. I became a workaholic and stopped living my life. My health and attitude were tainted for many years because of disorders and medication and now that I have finally started to get my life back on track, things seem to be falling into place.
Not everything is perfect and I know it never will be, and of course the circle will never be complete, but I can try, can’t I? I mean, nowadays I am making time for things that make me…well me. And that is something that I have never really done before, because I lost who I was. I was living a tainted existence; I was living half a life, and really I wasn’t really living my life…but I think now I am starting to.
I am starting to be a little more open and honest within myself, and that is hard for me. Although I am engaged to be married, I am trying to be a little more of an individual and do things that I want to do. I lost individualism when I entered the realm of adulthood and more so since I have been someone’s significant other for the last seven years. It is nothing against my husband to be, it just has to do with things inside myself; purely just me. And there is nothing wrong with that, as long as you can distinguish between the two; living as an individual and living as a couple.
Again life, well my life, isn’t perfect; I still have worries and things bashing around in my brain non-stop, but I think I have the advantage now; I have the upper hand on myself, because I am finally beginning to figure out who the hell I am and to be honest it is quite liberating.
I was always so scared of what other people thought, that I would only see things they way others (I thought) would see me. I was afraid to be myself, I was afraid of who I was, that I wasn’t really living at all. Yes the anxiety and depression played a large role over those 12 years, but then I never really let myself live, because I was afraid. Now that I am getting help and support from those dearest to me and mainly from myself, I am starting to not care about what other people think of me so much and it has made me start to live a little more…and that is a feeling that I am chasing at the moment and hope to chase the rest of my life (to keep me moving forward).
I used to think secrets are bad and that living inside yourself was treacherous, but sometimes I think it is essential because it shows you, and only you, who you truly are. Yes, some secrets are bad and somethings people do are unforgivable, but then on the other hand, no one can truly know you, except you and I don’t think that is a bad thing at all.
I want some things just to be special to me; and only me. Is that a crime? I don’t think so. There is a reason I write as The Girl in the Green Shoes and not under my real name, because I am showing a part of myself that I only want to show to people who don’t know me; those who cannot judge the ‘real’ me. I mean there are a ‘select’ few who read my blog who actually do know me and one in particular that probably knows me quite well, you know who you are ;).
As I am starting to learn more about myself (at first some of these things were quite confronting but I am slowly getting my head around it now, or at least trying to), I am finally starting to find the real me; one that was either lost or didn’t exist in the first place, and that my friends, makes me feel real for perhaps the first time in my life.
I never could handle my emotions very well. Always wore my heart on my sleeve, always very open and honest, very loyal and trusting. Now I am starting to be a little more reserved and keep a few more things a little under the collar; some of those thoughts and attributes kept just for me. And I think living life like this a little more has made me be happier, and perhaps a little more social. It has also made me realise a few things about myself that I never thought were possible or even that I was denying for a very long time.
A long time ago I was quite the social butterfly, well in my words anyway. I used to see friends and family all the time, always had something on every night of the week, always doing something or seeing someone, then something happened…I broke and became a shell of a person; those were my darkest of days.
As I said, I have worked hard on myself, trying to wrap my head around things and finally I am moving forward and that’s great. Writing has helped me get there, it truly has. And because reading and writing go hand-in-hand, reading has made me grow, not only as a writer (not that I am calling myself one, I’m not), but as a person. Some of the posts I read on here or chapters on FanFiction, just speak to me; in words that I understand. Some of the people on here and FF alike, seem just as shattered and broken as I was, but they managed to pick themselves up, and gradually the scars are fading. Their words and stories have inspired me. They have ignited a flame deep inside m that has made me realise that my life is actually worth living.
I no longer look in the mirror and detest what I see (well not at 100% anyway). I look into the mirror and see flashes and glimpses of the person I want to be and one that I am slowly becoming. I have always had very low self esteem and I think it was a mixture of anxiety and depression growing up, but also because of the ‘time’ in which I grew up.
Everything was labelled back then; short/tall, fatty/skinny, pretty/ugly, straight/gay, happy/sad. I am sure those labels still exist, but people in this era are more accepting, because it is no longer a crime to be different, its welcomed (well more so then back then). Sometimes I think that if I had grown up now, back in that time that my life would have been on a COMPLETELY different track.
I don’t regret how or when I grew up, I just think that because of all of those influences, it has delayed the actual start of my adult life. Being an adult is not the easiest walk in the park and most times it just plain sucks, but if I had known back then, what I know now about myself and other people, I would have been living a more full life. But at least I am getting somewhere now; at least there is light at the end of the continuous tunnel…and for that (and myself) I am truly grateful for.
Don’t let anymore tell you who you are or what you’re not. You are the only person who will every truly know you and some parts you need to keep just for yourself, for your eyes only.
Never let yourself be the one who stops you from living or being who you are, because you will always regret it if you do.
Stay awesome 😉
The Girl in the Green Shoes